Insecurity Without the Stigma
In therapy, we often use the term secure and insecure a lot. Particularly when we talk about attachment where we have 2-3 types of insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) and the mythical secure attachment. Too often though I have had clients say something to the line of “if only I wasn’t so insecure then…” or “I just need to be more secure of myself.” From this perspective we have the view that there is something wrong with ourselves if I’m insecure. But what if that was not the case?
If you look up insecurity in of the first definitions you might run into is “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.” Insecurity is something wrong with one’s self. There is something wrong with me for being insecure. I am lacking confidence if I’m insecure. Which is yet another phrase I hear a lot which is “I just need to be more confident,” but then a client has no idea how to become more confident. However it is the second definition that I actually find helpful, “the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.”
If we look at our insecurities from this second definition then we can look at it in a whole new light. If I say I’m feeling insecure, then I’m trying to convey that I don’t feel safe and protected. I may feel exposed and vulnerable. If I’m insecure at work, I am in fear of losing my job. If I’m insecure in a relationship, then I might worry my partner might leave me or worry that they can’t take care of me the way I need, but the idea of the relationship ending is frightening and scary.
Which brings me back to the mythical secure attachment. If we think of the first definition of insecurity, it would be that one does not lack confidence, but is confident. But how therapists view attachment is really on the second definition, a secure attachment does not lack for protection, they feel safe in a situation. There is nothing lacking if we are insecure but it is a way we notice that we do not feel (currently) safe.
I view insecurity and security as states instead of immutable aspects of ourselves. If I feeling good about my relationship, then I feel secure because I feel safe and protected in the partnership. However is something makes me feel unsafe, (i.e., my partner is suddenly absent when they are normally responsive, or they are more abrasive and cruel when critiquing my behavior) then I no longer feel safe and secure, I’m insecure. Then depending on my attachment style I may react in a way to try and cope with this feeling of lack of protection.
What often happens with insecurities is that we feel stigma for having them. By this I mean we feel that something is wrong with is when we have insecurities. Maybe I’m feeling like I should have my act together; I’m an adult I shouldn’t be having these feelings. It also doesn’t help that therapists often label people with insecure attachments styles. This labeling can feel pathologizing like there is something wrong with me for having this attachment style. Or that there was something messed up with my childhood so I feel this way.
Stigma and shame are very aligned. Shame is when something bad happens there is something wrong with me and they are parts we try to hide from the world. Stigma is very similar but is paired how others view us. Stigma is a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that society has about something. Depending on our attachment style we might be labeled as “unstable,” “needy,” “aloof,” “distant,” “ crazy,” “emotional,” or all sorts of other words that add to stigma and shame.
Insecurities through the lens of “lack of confidence” is ripe with stigma and shame. We don’t feel great about ourselves and others give us the feedback that there is something wrong us. However insecurities through the lens of “lack of safety” is a way we are sharing something vulnerable and crucial about ourselves. Our insecurities are aspects of ourselves that we want to share with people who will honor those feelings which then leads to security.
There is another aspect that when we are insecure we have lack of safety is that we might go into attack mode if we feel unsafe. There is a scene in the movie Saved where two female christian friends are having a fight. Mandy Moore’s character throws a bible in anger at Jenna Malone’s character. Jenna picks up the bible and stares her friend in the eye and says “This is not a weapon.” For Christians, the bible is a sacred text that should not be used to cause harm. I think of our insecurities in the same light. Our insecurities are our most vulnerable selves laid bare. We should not use our insecurities as weapons or justifications to attack others, but to communicate something sacred from within ourselves. In the same light, our insecurities are sacred and should not be used as a weapon against us either.
Too often we see a version of “how dare you make me feel this way” or the defensive “you’re just too insecure” which are the weaponization of our insecurities. But what if we could actually share the insecurities and know that it would be alright? What would that be like? Weirdly enough it may actually build safety and protection; security.
Couples therapist often encourage people to use “I statements” or use the phrase “when you do this behavior, I feel this.” These are good exercises and their intention is to get to the insecurities. How can I talk about my feelings? How can I understand the hurt, anxiety or hopelessness underneath the anger? How do I put my insecurities into words.
Before we go off and try and change others so they can hear our insecurities, it may be helpful to understand how we might weaponize or put up walls with our own insecurities. We often call these defense mechanisms and we all have versions of them. Do you move against and weaponize? Do you move towards and try to people please? Do you move away and think about exit strategies or shut down? Again we all have versions of this and we need to understand these responses. These defense mechanisms may be stopping us from being vulnerable and bringing our insecurities into the light.
There is nothing wrong with being insecure. As Leonard Cohen sang “there is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.” However it is our responsibility to treat them as sacred and not as weapons.