Getting into Active Listening
There is an old phrase that we are born with one mouth and two ears. This means we need to listen twice as much as we talk. When we focus on listening we can learn what our partner is trying to share with us, even if it is negative emotions. Most couple want to be able to connect and the gift of listening allows us to feel that connection with our partner. When we receive that gift we feel understood and loved. But that is often not what happens.
When I describe arguments to couples I usually describe it this way
Person 1: “you’re not listening to me.”
Person 2: “No you’re not listening to me.”
Person 1: “No you’re not listening to me.”
Person 2: “Didn’t you hear me, you’re not listening.”
[and repeat]
This happens in so many different relationships, but particularly our primary relationship. I call these having 2 conversations. Often if the conversations go long enough you have added another conversation and then another and add more along the way. A friend of mine calls them wet spaghetti conversations. You have no idea where one conversation begins and ends and it is just a tangled mess.
Usually when these types of conversations happen we are not Active Listening to the other person AND the other person is not Active Listening to us. Let’s take an example of a common issue. Alex and Dan are a couple and they have a date night planned for Friday. It has been a while since the two of them had free time since both work busy careers, but Alex’s has been taking up more time recently.
Alex: “Just so you know, they are putting a lot of items on the agenda for that Friday meeting. It might go over.”
Dan: “Ughh, your work always goes over. I never feel like a priority and it feels like I’ll be abandoned again.”
Alex: “What are you talking about, I planned this date. I am making time for you.”
Dan: “And then work gets in the way like it always does.”
Alex: “We’ll I’m sorry I don’t have control over my hours like you do. That is just part of my job.”
Dan: “But I always play second fiddle to your job.”
Alex: “I can’t move the meeting and I don’t control the agenda. I’ll get home as soon as I can, but give me a break!”
Don’t argue over whose reality is more right
I usually bring up that we shouldn’t be arguing over realities. When we hear say something that isn’t congruent with how we see reality then we try to get the person to understand what “really” happened. The topics have a process of invalidating the other person’s reality. When we talk about whose reality is more right then we assume that one is true and the other is not. So there is no room for the other person to be right, because if they are right, then your experience is wrong. But we know our reality is right be cause we experience it. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Water is wet. We get so focused on getting the other person to understand our experience that our listening skills go out the window.
In the example Dan is feeling like Alex’s job is getting away from time for them together. Dan isn’t feeling like a priority and feels like him and Alex always have to shift their life around Dan’s work life. Dan is looking for Alex to validate his experience of not feeling like a priority. Meanwhile Alex is frustrated and trying to do the best that they can. Alex is also feeling blamed in the argument and is looking for Dan to validate that they don’t have control over the situation. Both of them are seeking validation, but both are being invalidated since each are trying to prove their own points simultaneously.
Part of Active Listening is trying to understand the other person’s reality. Instead of realities, talk about emotions. By talking about emotions we are talking about our unique subjective experience in how we live it. Our emotions are felt in our body and by labeling them we can share our lived experiences. This is what we are trying to often convey to our partner (or others) when we try to express ourselves. This is also why so many therapists are interested in emotions.
Meta-conversations and Call Out Cycles
If you or your partner start noticing patterns in how you get into arguments it is often best to talk about it. If you know the patterns that get you stuck then you can start calling out the cycle that you’re in. I gave the example of being in two or more conversations. If one or both partners recognize they are in their cycle, then it is easier to call it out.
However, you both have to be able to agree about these behaviors. If you come aligned on naming the behaviors then you can get to fixing it. If you are not aligned, it will lead to yet another conversation where you are arguing over reality. By having conversations about previous conversations, or meta-conversations, then you can talk about how you normally go through your cycles and then talk about different ways to handle the situation.
Alex: “Hey last night I think we were having two completely different conversations. We keep seeming to do that.”
Dan: “You are right. I’ve been noticing that too. I don’t notice it while I’m in it, but now that you mention it, we do it a lot.”
Alex: “If I call out that we’re having two conversations will we agree to take a pause for a second and group?”
Dan: “Yeah I can agree to that. I’ll also try to keep an eye for this too. “
Dan and Alex now have had a meta-conversation and know more about their own behaviors that prevent them from listening to each other.
One topic at a time
Now let’s say Dan and Alex have found a way to call out the behaviors then what? They then need to focus in what helps them actually listen. It might be helpful to focus on one topic at a time. More importantly only one Speaker and one Active Listener at a time. The Speaker’s job is to explain their side of things and try to convey their concerns, feelings, or experiences. The Active Listener’s job is often harder. They have to hold off their part of the conversation for this point to make sure they are actually listening and not just wait for the moment that they can insert what they want to say. We all do this and it gets in the way to actually listening.
Dan: “I think we’re having two different conversations here.”
Alex: “Yeah like we talked about.”
Dan: “I’m not feeling heard and it is hard to hear your side right now. Why don’t we focus on one person talking.”
Alex: “Okay, who is going first?”
Listen and Validate
When you are the Active Listener your job is to Listen, Ask Questions, and Validate. Don’t try to justify your actions, don’t try to explain your reality, don’t try to explain why you did what you did. Your role is to understand what the other person has gone through. Validating is how we actually convey that we are understanding the other person.
Alex: “Work is really stressful right now and I have a lot on my plates. There have been a couple of people let go so I feel tense at work. When I hear you complaining about me coming home late I feel like you are blaming me.”
Dan: [holding off commenting on Alex stating he was “complaining”]: “So you felt like I was blaming you and already feeling stressed at work?”
Alex: “Right. I feel like I was letting you down again. I already feel awful that work is cutting into our date night and I feel like you sometimes blame me for work being crazy.”
Dan: “I don’t blame you, but I can understand how it can come off that way. I know your work is crazy. Can I talk about my side now?”
Alex: “Sure go ahead.”
Dan: “I just feel like we have had to adjust a lot recently with your job and it just feels like another thing. I was looking forward to spending time with you and feels like yet another thing I have to adjust to. I just want to have time with you without having to compete with your job. Again I don’t blame you, but I get lonely and feel disconnected from you.”
Alex: “I get it. I’m off running around and you left on the side waiting for me. I don’t want you to have to deal with this and I really am trying to set boundaries at work.”
These two are actually listening to eachother. They have set rules between themselves of how to pass the conversation, what is helpful with Active Listening, and can call out the cycle. Once they are Active Listing they can start planning on how to handle Friday night and have a good time.
Remember listening is a gift. It is a gift we give to our loved ones. We also need to be able to receive that gift back. When there is a good balance to the listening and being listened to, we are in a better space to feel the connection and love in our relationships.