Moving out of Shame and into Listening
When we have difficult conversations with others there is open many pitfalls in being able to listen to the other person. Let’s say you and your partner are talking about finances and getting your budget in better shape. In this situation, your partner tells you concerns about your spending habits. The two most common responses are to be defensive or go into a shame spiral.
Defensive might look like: “Well you think my spending habits are bad, let’s talk about when you bought that big item without talking to me.” This derails the conversation and no issues get solved. Shame spiraling might look like: “Yeah I’m horrible with money. I’m just no good with it. I know I’m horrible and you see me as a horrible person.” The difference between defensiveness and shame spiraling is that shame spiraling is an internal monologue that the other usually doesn’t hear. So if you’re saying all these items to yourself, you are likely not listening to your partner.
Defensiveness and shame spiraling are both responses to shame. Both also dampen our listening skills. Good relationships need good listening skills or Active Listening. We need to listen and get feedback from our partners (and other relationships) in order to grow and adjust with them. If someone keeps feeling like they are being unheard then we often don’t feel like opening up to them and become more distant.
Active Listening occurs when someone feels heard. If we are talking about finances then you hear the concern your partner is bringing in about the spending patterns. It doesn’t mean they are right, but that you understand their concern and have a conversation about it. You understand your partner’s concern and you can find a way to address it. If we learn to Actively Listen during difficult conversations, we forge stronger relationships.
If defensiveness and shame spiraling keep occurring then we never actually get to talk about the issues that matter. In the example above, the finances are never addressed because the conversation got derailed by defensiveness or one of the partners shut down from shame spiraling. How do we move past shame and into Active Listening?
First let’s break down some of the emotions, to build a common understanding.
Shame: I have done something wrong and I’m a horrible person.
Guilt: I have done something wrong and I need to do better.
When we are stuck in Shame we are only focused on ourselves and not on the other person. We can not begin to take accountability if we are stuck inside our own heads. When this happens we don’t actually listen to the other person AND we can’t listen to ourselves and acknowledge our needs. If we get defensive then we try not to sit with the discomfort and project it elsewhere. (“They are such an idiot for thinking I don’t know how to spend money.”) If we shame spiral we feel trapped and just berate ourselves on everything wrong with ourselves. (“I’m trying, but I’m just no good with money.”) But if we understand our discomfort we might understand something about ourselves but understanding our guilt. (“You know I’ve been uncomfortable with my spending habits too and have been feeling stuck. But I’m also worried about their spending habits. Maybe we both need to do some changes.”)
I’ve always pull from Aristotle's understanding of virtues. Aristotle believed virtues were a balanced middle ground between a vice of deficiency and a vice of excess. Courage is the right balance of fear. Too much fear and you have Cowardliness; too little fear and you have rashness. We need to have the middle ground.
Guilt is a middle ground of sorts. Too much guilt and we go into a shame spiral and can not bring change to a situation. Having a deficiency of guilt, or trying to avoid feeling guilt (or more importantly avoid shame), means that we can not take accountability for harms that we created (defensiveness). If we lack guilt we can never grow our relationship, better ourselves, and acknowledge our deficiencies.
As a therapist I have made the error in double booking clients for the same time slot. It is embarrassing to say the least. I’m also creating an inconvenience for my clients because now I have to tell one of them to come back at another time. In this situation I had a client tell me “It’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it. Don’t guilt yourself.” However I told them I would guilt myself enough to make sure it doesn’t happen again, because it is unfair to them (and myself) if that were to keep happening. I reviewed how I scheduled clients and evaluated if I was overworking myself.
I share this story because it is a good example of how others try to relieve guilt. That client told me not to guilt myself even though I caused them difficulty. We don’t like causing others discomfort, but I did need to sit in that discomfort. If I didn’t take accountability then clients would feel insulted and annoyed (justifiably). By sitting with this discomfort I can build back trust better with my client.
Avoid Labels and Absolute Statements
A phrase I use a lot is “the worst thing someone can say to you is what you already say to yourself.” If we are thinking to ourselves that ‘I am bad at money’ and we hear that from our partner, then it is going to be hard to stay in that conversation. Be Careful with labels you place on yourself your partner. Labels often lead to shame which leads to defensiveness and shame spiraling. Absolute statements where we pair actions with hyperbolic statements like ‘never,’ ‘always,’ or ‘every time’ also shut down Active Listening.
“Why are you such a slob! You never clean up.” As a therapist, I can infer a lot from that statement. The speaker probably is feeling unsupported and that they are the only ones doing the work to maintain a clean living space. But for the person the statement is directed at, all they can hear is ‘What is wrong with you!” (the ultimate shaming statement) even if that statement isn’t said.
I encourage couples to make a pact about labels and absolute statements so they feel like they can call each other out when they cross the line. By making pacts like this, you are creating rules that help you stay in the Active Listening zone and away from shaming statements.
Know when to take a time out
I often ask people when they know they are no longer able to listen to their partner. We all can get overheated or shut down from a conversation. Being defensive or shame spiraling are good signs that you are no longer about to Actively Listen and need a break. It is recommended that you find a way to make an agreement about how you call a time out so you know when you can circle back the conversation and the other person doesn’t feel like you are walking away from them.
If we want to lean into guilt, instead of shame we have to be honest with ourselves. Similarly by focusing on labels and absolute statements lead to shame; guilt better facilitated by focusing on behaviors and things you can change. Shame put a microscope on ourselves and doesn’t allow us to pull back the lens to see the bigger picture. We might need support. Others actions might be affecting our judgment. There might be situations or items in context that shape your behaviors.
Taking Accountability
If we lean more into guilt we can start taking more accountability for our actions and bring about change. This doesn’t mean that we take on everything that someone brings to us. Some items are out of our control. Some items are things we do want to change and others are items we might not want to change. Accountability is about being about to hold yourself accountable for actions you want to change. If we can sit in guilt and not be stuck in shame we can evalute what it is we want to take accountability for. I usually ask these four questions:
What am I willing to take accountability for?
What am I NOT willing to take accountability for?
What are others accountable for?
What is the situation and/or environment accountable for?
For example, let's say your friend Brett chose to go out for their birthday at an expensive restaurant. You went and spent past your budget. You can take accountability for choosing to go, or how much money you spent there. Brett is accountable for choosing the expensive restaurant even though it would be harder on others.You can’t take accountability of where the event was at and you didn’t want to let Brett down by missing their birthday dinner. You might have even planned on spending less, but went in hungry and stressed and just wanted to get some food in you. If you pay attention to these items you can take accountability for your own actions and make adjustments.
If it is hard to sit with guilt without it shifting into shame consider reach out out to a therapist. The author and speaker Brené Brown also has many highly acclaimed books on the topic.
By taking accountability you build the trust of others. You also build trust in yourself. Shame doesn’t let us maintain difficult conversations or relationships. By being vulnerable and able to acknowledge our guilt with others we can bring about change and closer relationships. These conversations are hard, but they are worth it.