(Re)Building Trust

Trust is one of the things that sustains any relationship.  When trust is broken it can feel like we might never get it back.  If we do trust someone we can tell them ANYTHING. We all know that trust is valuable, but we don’t always take the time to think about what helps build trust.  As a therapist I have to pay attention to trust. When I work with trauma I say “I need the room to feel safe before we can get into the uncomfortable.” This is my way to say I need to earn your trust and for them to feel safe with me before we can do some of the deep work. 

 I also work with couples and I  have seen trust broken through deep betrayals like holding on to a secret for years, affairs, or hiding an addiction.  These for violent gashes to trust that are often difficult to repair. I have also seen trust broken through what I call “death by a thousand cuts.”  In these cases it is often little things that build up over years that a person learns not to trust the other with anything. While an affair might be a violent gash to trust, the thousand cuts is a slow lingering pain of disconnection.  Some for of catalyst awakens these couples to start working on either trying to mend the relationship or call it quits.  

But what is trust?  How would we rebuild it if it is gone?  And if we do have it then how do we maintain it so it doesn’t go through the “death by a thousand cuts?”  

I always love Brene Brown’s description.  Brene Brown is a public speaker and researcher on vulnerability, shame, and resilience.  Brown uses the analogy of a marble jar. She explains when her kids were young their grade school teacher would have a marble jar in class.  When the class was on their best behaviors and being really helpful, they would get marbles in the jar. However if they were disruptive or not paying attention then marbles would come out of the jar.  The jar was a physical representation of the teacher’s trust in the class. If the marbles reached the top of the jar, the class got a pizza party.  

 The marbles are a good representation that trust is built up on little things over time.  Brown points out that we give marbles to people for little things such as respecting our boundaries, sharing appreciation, listening to us on our bad days, or remembering little facts about us.   When these little things add up we have a full jar and can enjoy the rewards. When we have a gashing wound trust we might dump all the marbles out and possible break the jar in the process. The death by a thousand cuts version are the slow draining of the jar.  This visualization of trust helps people start thinking about trust as less about one event, but a series of small events built up over time.  

But what gets someone a marble?  This will be different for every person.  Marbles are unique to each individual based on what builds upon their values and safety.  It is often helpful to look at things that give or take away marbles, because they are often the same side of the same coin.  If your boss says condescending things to you throughout the day, you might be able to imagine a marble being plucked out of the jar.  However if that boss were to change their tune and start starting how much they valued you and appreciate how hard you work, then you can hear that marble being added to the jar.

Saying Sorry vs Apologize 

No matter what the relationship there will be times when we lose marbles.  When these moments happen we need to set up and apologize. Unfortunately many people try to convey their feelings by simply saying “I’m sorry.”  For some this doesn’t earn the marble of trust back. Maybe a first couple of times the sorry will suffice, but only when the jar if close to full.  At that point we know that the other person gets us and can infer they understand. If the jar is empty, it requires more effort from their part to convery  “I get it, I messed up.” I usually say an apology requires accountability, empathy, and change. An apology is when someone can take ownership, convery they understand how something hurt you, and start doing the behaviors to earn a marble back.  Saying sorry lacks conveying all this information and thus is often not enough work to get that marble.  

Love Languages 

I always describe Love Languages as the taxonomy of the behaviors that express our love and connection.  These are they things other people do for us that make us feel cared for or refuel our connecto to them. The author Gary Chapman, who wrote the Five Love Languages, categorizes them as:

• Gift Giving  (“I picked up these flowers on the way home.”)

• Acts of Service  (“You made dinner so I’ll do the dishes tonight.”)

• Spending Quality Time (“You know we should hang out at that cafe and just hang out.”)

• Physical Touch and Affection (“You look like you need a hug.”)

• Words of Affirmation (“You always work so hard and I always appreciate it.”)

All the Love Languages give marbles.  When someone speaks your love language they get a bigger marble.  Chapman also points out that even if we have the same language we sometimes don’t have the same dialect.  Someone might get a marble for one way a Love Language is expressed but another person might only give it out if is expressed a certain other way.  I knew a couple where the wife pointed out her husband would likely take away a marble if others complimented or thanked him, but he would gladly give them a marble if they complimented his family.  

Check out Chapman’s website to take a quiz to see what your version might look like:

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

Listening

There is an old adage that we have two ears and one mouth; which means we should listen twice as much as speak.  Rarely do we experience this though. Often when we hear a criticism, or something that we don’t agree with, we get defensive and can start talking over someone.  We need to be Active Listeners. Active Listeners often ask open ended question, which are questions that start with Who, What, Where, When, and How (I’m purposely leaving Why off the list since that one often feels accusatory).  An Active Listener can repeat back what you say in their own words, in a way that makes you feel they are in sync with you. Active listening is not about ‘hearing’ someone; It is about ‘hearing, understanding, resonating, and retaining’ the information.  If we stay in a place of curiosity instead of defensiveness, we can get what the other is trying to say. If someone feels listened to, then marbles are more accessible.  

Boundaries and Safety

I use the term ‘safety’ often and rather broadly.  When I bring it up in session I have people tell me that they (and/or their partner) is not in any physical threat.  I agree, but safety is a way of feeling secure and not having to be vigilant. Earlier I mentioned that I usually tell people I need the room to feel safe before we go into the uncomfortable.  I’m not a physical threat to my clients but they might not feel safe with me when we start. I have to understand what makes them feel safe. Not being judged helps people feel safe. Being understood helps them feel safe.  Some factors are close to universal, but most are unique to each person. If a client doesn’t want to talk about a traumatic event, I won’t push them. I’ve seen couples raise their voices that some of my colleagues were worried but the couple felt fine, while another couple get tense if there is the slightest bump in volume.  

Boundaries are a way that we can talk about some of the items that bring safety.  In our relationships we have to build and communicate these boundaries so we know how to navigate what safety can look like.  If you hear someone “say don’t shout, it makes me tense,” and you adjust your volume you have earned a marble. If you keep starting conversations harshly even though you were given the feedback, a marble will leave the jar.  Boundaries can be hard to articulate. Therapy is often a good place to find/build language to explain when feels safe or unsafe.  

Your Marble Jar

Trust is built over time.  If you have a “gashing would” to your trust jar then it can be painful to repair.   It will take time to heal since just because someone does something once, doesn’t mean you will trust them to keep the behaviors.  The “death by a thousand cuts” wounds should often try rebuilding trust in small ways in getting to know each other again. When you notice how empty the jar is suddenly, there is often an urge to try to fill the jar all at once.  It will take time.  

For those of you that have trust, don’t take it for granted. Pay attention to your marble jars.  We have one for all the people we interact with. As with boundaries, it is important to talk to people in what helps build trust.  Sometimes people intuitively just get us and know how to build those marbles. Often though, we need to communicate what gives or removes a marble.  Think of the times you gained marbles and how o you maintain them?