Building a Sexual Mindset

I’ve worked with many couples, but on of the areas that seems to belabor many of pairs is how to rekindle the sex life once the dating has ended.  Couples therapist, Esther Perel, talks in her book, Mating in Captivity, that in the start of the relationship there is passion and romance, but so little security and feeling like you are on solid ground.  When we are in a relationship longer, we gain our stability and security, but we lose the fire and the mystery of our relationship.  Can we bring back that passion into our relationships?

Things I hear: 

I’m always they one initiating sex and often getting rejected. Just once I would love for them to initiate it.  They never want to have sex.  It is like they have no sex drive at all.  Or worse they don’t want to have sex with me.  Are they not attracted to me?  Is our life now just going to be sexless?  

And on the other side:

The constantly are thinking about sex.  And when they try to start something and I’m just not there. I’m just exhausted. It just feels like an obligation to have sex.  I know I’m letting them down and I can see they are hurting, but that just puts more pressure on me.  I can’t get in the right headspace with that pressure.  Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Spontaneous vs Responsive

While there is a plethora of different sexuality/sex drives a very common one I talk about is Spontaneous Sex Drives and Responsive Sex Drives.  People with more Spontaneous Drives usually are up for sex all the time.  They get aroused very quickly and easily.  When their partner is ready for sex they can shift gears pretty quickly and get in the mood.  Responsive Sex Drive don’t have those instant turn ons and usually need more ramping up to get in the head space to get aroused.  They might use porn, fantasy, or foreplay to help them in the mood.  These people need time and be in the right headspace to get there.  

As you can imagine this can cause a lot of strain if one partner is Spontaneous Drive and the other is Reactive Drive.  The Spontaneous partner feels like they are the one always pursuing and sometimes feel unwanted when they approach and get rejected.  Meanwhile the Reactive Partner might have a hard time getting in the right mindset (i.e., work stress, parenting responsibilities) and feel pressure to get in the sex drive, but that pressure is the thing hindering them in to getting in the sexual mindset.  If this keeps happening then the couple starts having sex less and less until it becomes somethings that they don’t talk about anymore.  

AVOID THE TRAP

A common issue (not just with intimacy) that couples have in disagreements is that the focus is that ONE person is the problem and that PERSON needs to fix themselves to solve the problem.  Intimacy/sex is about two (or more) people coming together to synch up and have fun together.  This solution that I call the “you need to fix this” trap” doesn’t help the couple connect.  The person with the spontaneous sex drive is feeling hurt/rejected/insecure and the person with the responsive sex drive is feeling broken/shameful/insecure.  No one wants to reach out to the other person in that state. 

Instead, the question needs to be how do WE do this differently.  How do we build a script so when I want to be intimate with you we can get there?  No one is broken, it is just that our sex drive need something a little bit different to get them going.   If we respect each other's differences and learn what we need to do to support each other, then we can avoid the trap and start fixing things.  

Building a Sex Script

Look at the next few questions and think about what the answers are for you and ask your partner to do the same and then compare notes:

How do you like to flirt?  

How do you like to initiate sex?  

How do you like to be approached by your partner(s)? 

What are approaches that are a turn-off?  

When you masturbate do you use fantasies, visuals, or touch to get you in the mood?  

Share the answers and now is the time to focus on the WE solutions.  How do we create a sex script that works for both of us. Try to come up with 3-4 different scripts.  Does your partner need more foreplay to get in the right headspace?  If one partner leans more responsive in their sex drive, is there a way they other partner can engage in helping them build up (flirting, romance, dominance)?  Can the responsive partner think of ways they can be intentional to initiate?  Can the spontaneous partner give cues so the responsive partner can put themselves in the sexual mindset?  If someone needs visual stimulation will a striptease or watching a sexy scene together help get both of you in the mood?  

For partners who are more passive/submissive and prefer the other partner to engage: consider what cues you can give your partner you are ready to be taken.  Are there clothes you can wear to flag you are ready?  Is there a way you flirt or play coy that can hint them to look for an opportunity?

When I do this exercise with couples they often start talking about when they were dating and how they did things.  For the spontaneous partner sex felt...well more spontaneous.  It just happened.  However for the responsive partner there was the date, the build up, the anticipation and then when the initiation hit, they were already there.  It was never spontaneous for them.  When we live with each other there is more opportunity for spontaneity, but the build up gets lost.  

Think about ways you can bring the build up back into your relationship.

Windows of Opportunity

So hopefully you have created a script to initiate sex/intimacy.  Ok!  Now when do we use it?  Hopefully you are getting the picture that responsive partners need more build up.  It is hard to manage work stress and parenting responsibilities and everything else life throws at us.  We actually do need to be proactive in creating spaces where we just connect.  

Windows of Opportunity should not just be about sex, but about intimacy.  I’ve seen many couples that no longer touch or cuddle because those actions came with the expectation that sex would happen.  This made the responsive partner push touch away because they couldn’t build up to sex, but probably could have managed the cuddle (or even appreciate it).  Windows of Oppertunity can use the time to just cuddle without the expectation of sex.  Often when touch is brought back into the relationship, it is easier for the responsive partner to be in the right mindset.  First though we need to remove the expectation since that just brings pressure.  Really do think about intimate things outside of sex that help you as a couple connect.  

When would you schedule your Windows of Opportunity?  Maybe after the kids go to bed?  Date night?  After one of you or both had time to connect with friends and want to reconnect?  

Create a Buffet

So Windows of Opportunity should be more than just sex, but all forms of intimacy.  However how are we defining sex?  Often when I talk to couples about sex, they are defining it as intercourse only.  Another issue is that they make the metric of success for “good” sex in that all parties achieve orgasm.  There are many issues that this brings up but mostly it limits what good and fun sex can look like.  Sex can mean so many different things and is about creating intimacy.  Sometimes no one achieves orgasm and was still enjoyable great sex.  Not every woman can get an orgasm or find intercourse pleasurable.  We do need to find out what is pleasurable for our partner and what feels good.

 One activity to do is to write down a list of intimate activities you might be interested in.  Are you interested in being tied up?  Role play? Sex toys? Different positions? Risque locations? Massage oils? I sometimes encourage couples to each work on a list and then come together and share the list.  There are also apps and online lists that you can both use to circle/mark activities you are interested in.  The idea is to see what are the things you are both interested in and look at things you might go outside your comfort zone for your partner (and vice versa).  This helps create a nice menu to choose from during those Windows of Opportunities.  If you are not up for intercourse during those windows what else might you be up for?  

Windows of Opportunity and Creating Buffets go well together.  We need the time to connect, and we need a menu of activities that will help us connect.  Once we build that deeper connection it is easier for us to use our Sex Scripts to get in the sexual mindset.  

We all know that porn sets unrealistic expectations about sex.  However there is one thing I wish porn showed more of, how the actors talk BEFORE the filming.  On a more ethical porn set the actors may talk to each other about turn ons and turns offs and what gets them into a good headspace.  They can build the safety they need to for the performance to happen.  I’ve seen people who do hookups sometimes do the same thing by messaging what they want and build a script with someone before they meet.  We need to do this as couples as well.  The goal of good sex is that we can bring ourselves, in however we work, and figure out how to connect that with someone, in however they work.  By talking and exploring each other's sexual sides we can build a script that works for us.  Keep is about the WE.  

For more on these topics and creating a sex script check out Ian Kerner’s So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex and Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are.