What We Get Wrong About Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is vital for an emotionally healthy person, but there is something we get wrong when we talk about it. Self-regulation is our ability to manage our emotions, behavior, and nervous system when we're faced with a tough situation. We can build many skills to manage our thoughts and emotions. We might use mindfulness, yoga, exercise, journaling, thought stopping or other such skills to reflect within ourselves. Self-regulation helps us be our most authentic selves.
Most of my training was often on helping client’s self-regulate. You will probably see a lot of pop-psychology articles talking about self-regulation. Helping kids self-regulate their emotions. Using yoga and meditation as a way to self-regulate. Using CBT and thought stopping techniques to help self-regulate thoughts. But self-regulation is only half the key to an emotionally healthy individual. The other half is co-regulation.
Co-regulation is our ability to emotionally link with someone that helps promote emotional stability when we’re faced with a tough situation. When babies are little they have few ways of being able to manage anything. They can’t feed themselves, they can’t protect themselves, they can’t clean themselves, and it takes a while for them to even move themselves. More importantly it is hard for them to emotionally care for themselves because everything is new and strange for them. Jarring noises can scare them and new people can seem pretty frightening at first. They require adults to help them emotionally regulate.
“There, there it's okay,” a parent might say to their child as they hold them. The parent might have a sing-songy voice to help sooth the child. Psychologists pay attention to prosody (or intonation of the voice) in how it helps give us cues in how we are co-regulating with someone else. The sing-songy voice is an example of prosody. We might pick that someone is stressed, sarcastic, angry, or disappointed based on the prosody that we pick up. This helps us syched up with others.
A famous example of co-regulation is the Still Face Experiment. You can look it up on YouTube. Basically an infant and mother are seen laughing and clapping. They are synched up. They are co-regulated. However then when the mother is coached to give a still face and not respond to the babies cues, then little one tries to get her synched up again by clapping and laughing, but gets no response. Just a still face. The baby becomes quickly upset and cries out in distress. The mother then breaks her still face and soothes the child with that sing-songy voice and the two are able to co-regulate again. They went from co-regulated to disconnected and then back to co-regulated.
As we get older, we learn to self-regulate. We learn how to calm ourselves and say it will be okay. We might even learn how to be compassionate to ourselves. However we never lose the need to co-regulate as well. In 2020 we learned how painful it was to be disconnected from others. Being on Zoom was not the same in being able to connect with others. People talked about missing coworkers and just being able to go outside. There are many stories of people who just wanted to keep talking and talking to strangers when they did run into someone, because there was a sense of relief that happened in being about to connect. This happened to myself a few times during 2020 (both as the listener and as the one that wanted to keep talking).
We are social creatures. Vivek Murthy (at time of writing this blog the current US Surgeon General) wrote a book called Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. In the book Murthy shares research studies that found that having good, emotionally healthy relationships lead to better healthy outcomes and longer lives. Connection also helps in managing our mental health. For many people who have dealt with trauma and/or addiction, there is often a struggle to find co-regulation that feels safe. When they do learn to co-regulate again, we often see improvements in their treatments.
All this shows is that we need to be able to connect with others. For a long time we have put the emphasis on self-regulation and have disregarded co-regulation as weak. We might label someone as dependent (or codependent) when really it is just a basic response to trying to soothe themselves through others. Particularly in America culture there is a myth of self-reliance that makes it easier to focus only on self-regulation.
Sometimes someone might rely too much on co-regulation to manage their emotions and not use self-regulation. This is when codependency happens. It creates an imbalance between relying too much on someone to manage our emotions and sense of self. The reverse is also true. Sometimes we might rely too much on self-sufficiency. “I’ll handle this myself, don’t worry about it.” But this creates walls for people to be able to connect with us. People just keep working harder and harder without seeking support. Then we might start seeing self-destructive behaviors in trying to get that relief (i.e., addiction, compulsive eating, affairs, mental breakdowns). There needs to be balance.
I’ve used the phrase “taking care of you is taking care of me” as a way to explain the balance. The phrase means a couple of different things.
It means that taking care of myself is a way of taking care of you. I learn to self-regulate and self-care so you don’t have to worry about me.
It can also mean that caring for you is a way of taking care of myself. I like cooking and caring for you which helps me co-regulate with another person.
Letting someone take care of you is also part of this. Letting someone take care of you (and not just be self-sufficient) is a way of syncing with someone. I may feel guilty that someone is doing something for me, but it helps them connect with me and help me get through a bad situation.
When all parts of “taking care of you, is taking care of” are present then there is a balance. We self-regulate (1), we support (2), and we allow support received (3).
What are ways you like to co-regulate? Take some time and think about times that help you connect with other people. What are the ways to enjoy good times that help you savor an experience? Are there social engagements that you enjoy going to? Is it a large group like a concert or maybe a smaller, more intimate group? Who are the people who make you feel safe and welcomed? Is there laughter? I usually say a meal is more enjoyable when it is shared. The food is great when I eat it by myself, but sharing the experience of the food is a unique affair.
What about when you are stressed or angry? Sometimes if we try to just self-regulate we may ruminate, which often gets us stuck in our thinking. Talking to others can help get us out of our heads and break free from those thoughts and find new pathways of handling the situation. Sometimes we need validation from others so we can close the loops in our heads. Who is a good person you feel okay venting with? Maybe it is a partner, parent or friend? Maybe it is a therapist or co-worker. How would you reach out to them when you needed them?
What about when you are feeling down or unmotivated? Again if we focused only on self-regulation we would have to pull ourselves from our own bootstrap when we’re still trying to find our boots. We sometimes struggle with being compassionate and loving to ourselves. But others can help guide us there by giving us their compassion. Who are the people in your life that lift your spirits? Who are the people who don’t judge you for having bad days and know it is okay not to be okay? Who are the people who make you feel safe? How would you flag them that things are not so great?
Conversely, how do you like taking care of others? Maybe you like supporting friends or baking food for others. Do you like volunteering? Are you someone that likes to plan events or share a good book you read so they can enjoy it? Love Languages are ways we like sharing our love with others (not just imitate partners). How do you like sharing your love? What is like for you when you are able to share that version of yourself? Do you feel a lightness in your body? That is co-regulation. You are connecting and soothing your body. What are some actions you can plan to do some of these acts of love? This is for others and yourself.
Lastly, how would you like to receive love? How do you want to be taken care of? We all need care; we are hardwired for it. I have seen many people who have taken in the Myth of Self-Reliance and think there is something wrong with them if they need care. But it is a way how we soothe ourselves. Chicken soup is one of those things that helps people recover from illness faster. However scientists believe it is the act of someone making you chicken soup, or the memory of it, that actually helps in the recovery. How would you ask for the things that would take care of you? We can’t assume people will know. How can you accept care from others?
Self-regulation is extremely important, but it is isolating if we rely too much on just focusing on those coping mechanisms. What we get wrong about self-regulation is that we often ignore or are critical of co-regulation. Instead of being critical of co-regulation, we need to recognize that co-regulation is critical.
If you would life to explore more on this topic check out Deb Dana’s Anchored